Like a lot of people, I will often wait until a situation becomes intolerable before I do anything about it. I had, unfortunately, been carrying around a lot of old hurts that were continuing to haunt me. Because I had not been able to address them, I was feeling pretty miserable and unable to appreciate the many good things in my life. With the help of some very good friends and G-d, I finally began to understand why I was behaving the way I did, and I will be able to begin behaving in a healthier and less dramatic manner.
Most importantly, I have come to understand a saying that I thought I already understood, “If you don’t love yourself first, no one else can love you.” This truism did not make sense to me because you can love anyone, regardless of how you feel about yourself and regardless of how that person feels about himself. I had loved plenty of men who did not care too much for themselves. And they, in return, loved me. Now, I see that as much as I loved anyone else and they loved me, it was not enough. I could not give myself and I could not accept what was given to me, because of how I felt about myself. It is not that love was impossible, it was just ineffective.
And so now, my project is to love myself. Cheesy, yes, but completely necessary. And it does not mean that I put myself on a higher plane than everyone else or that I think that I’m better than everyone else or that I think that my excrement tastes like ice cream and everyone wants a lick. No, it means that I am going to take good care of myself and respect myself and learn to like myself. I will forgive myself, which will make room for improvement.
It is not always easy for people, especially women, to appreciate themselves. You owe it to yourself to love yourself. If you don’t, it doesn’t matter how many people love you or how much they love you. You will still feel like the only person in a room full of empty chairs.
